A House Full of Secrets
Editor’s Note: This piece contains explicit mention of sexual assault and trauma. Here are a list of resources if you need support.
“COCSA is a real and deep issue that should be taken seriously and we cannot minimize or ignore it. Recognize it for what it truly is and hold the abuser accountable regardless of age or intent. Recognizing COCSA for what it is doesn’t mean labeling children as adults but rather understanding the long lasting impact it can have.”
Everyday my mom wakes up, I get up, use the bathroom, brush my teeth, put on my uniform, tie my shoes, and leave my house. I forget all the things that haunt my dreams for the first 30 minutes of being awake. But then a sound, a smell, or even lookalike puts me back as that 5 year old forcefully being made to play doctor by the one that was supposed to protect me. I would count stars in my head every time to help ease the pain that he made me feel. I would lose count not because I lost track of the pain, but rather because I didn't know how to count that high.
Whenever I tell my story, everyone asks how did nothing give it away?
Imagine this child with a gummy smile, long lashes, and a ponytail swinging side to side with every step. A child who always cared for others. During lunch to avoid girls who thought I was weird for not being like them, I would help in the kindergarten class. In my own way I always felt like I was there to protect them from someone like him.
The worse part is that my abuser was a child just like me. Anytime I spoke up I had more people defending him than protecting my innocence from further damage that he caused. There are days I question the person I could've been if he never did anything and got the help he needed. The worst part wasn’t even counting all those stars, it was the conditioning he did. He would whisper how much he loved me and how we had to keep all of this to ourselves and never tell an adult. Those were things meant to be kept in private, but in public he was the cruel one. He never hesitated to slap me, punch, kick, or even degrade me. He would deny any blood relation to me even though we went to the same school. Everyone knew we were family. Maybe it was his own way to justify what he was doing I will never know. I will never understand. I will never understand why it happened to me at such a young age.
Everytime I pick up my hands to write about my childhood they shake, and my throat closes as I choke back on tears. My mother questions why I keep bringing up what happened in my childhood and not other times I've been taken advantage of. If I didn't experience half of my first years alive I would be a much different person. I don’t even think I would go by Esme. I would be Emily somewhere in the Bronx. My voice would be a lot louder. But the reality I was conditioned to be the ‘perfect victim’
What I described earlier is called child on child sexual assault, or COCSA. This is a form of child sexual abuse in which a prepubescent child is sexually abusing one or more adolescents. COCSA is normally broken into two categories: 'normative’ (malice) sexual ‘play’ or anatomical sexual curiosity (playing house, doctor etc.). There are often similar causes that lead to COCSA: being exposed to explicit material, having been sexually abused themselves, and repeatedly witnessing sexual interaction with adults. In the end, though, what they all have in common is being exposed to explicit stuff no child should witness. Because of this, there is this impulse to repeat what they saw or have curiosity to do what they saw. Research shows that one third of children with problematic sexual behaviors experience no abuse themselves. The Journal of Adolescent Health states “over half of child sexual abuse offenses in the United States are committed by perpetrators under 18 themselves.”
Any person with sexual trauma has PTSD to some level. Rape Trauma Syndrome is a type of PTSD that specfically targets sexual trauma victims. According to one source, 94% of women experience symptoms of PTSD two weeks following sexual trauma. There are 3 stages of rape trauma syndrome.
Acute Or Immediate Phase: this phase happens when you're experiencing the trauma and shortly after trying to understand what has happened. The stage can feel like a mental and/or physical fog. People in this stage often feel overwhelming emotions and are unable to do what’s needed next or have the strength to do their daily routine.
The Underground Phase: this phase happens when you try to move on from the sexual trauma to get back their life. People in this stage may try to block out the memory, refuse to acknowledge it, or downplay its severity. This phase can last months to years.
Reorganization Or Resolution Phase: this phase is active when you recognize your trauma and take steps to adapt. You move from a victim to a survivor during this stage. You may need to face your trauma and confront triggers, which can and have been extremely overwhelming and stressful. But you learn to manage the trauma and cope.” It is important to note that if you have experianced any sexual trauma to get help because people with the syndrome can experience substance use, suicidal ideation, self harm or even suicide, if you have those thoughts call or text 988 it’s the U.S suicide and crisis lifeline there trained professionals that can and will help you.
A side reality is that, for a lot of people who experience COCSA, their trauma is downplayed due to the fact there are both children. COCSA is often downplayed because it challenges the way people typically understand harm and responsibility. Many assume that when both individuals are minors the behavior is simply “curiosity” and “experimentation” rather than recognizing that it can involve coercion, pressure, and a lack of true consent. This minimization is reinforced by discomfort adults may avoid labeling the behavior as abuse because it feels easier than confronting the reality that children can both experience and cause harm. They may do it because they want to deny what they themselves went through as children was that bad or deep. Because of that warning signs are overlooked (bed wetting, the victim acting up in school and behavior problems overall) victims may not be taken seriously and those who engage in harmful behavior often do not receive the guidance or intervention they need. Downplaying COCSA ultimately allows its impact to go unaddressed leaving lasting emotional and psychological effects that could have been mitigated through early acknowledgment and support.
COCSA is a real and deep issue that should be taken seriously and we cannot minimize or ignore it. Recognize it for what it truly is and hold the abuser accountable regardless of age or intent. Recognizing COCSA for what it is doesn’t mean labeling children as adults but rather understanding the long lasting impact it can have. It means responding with care, education, and appropriate intervention. By continuing to spread awareness and encouraging open and informed conversations, society can break the stigma surrounding COCSA. Only through acknowledgement and action can we create a safer environment where all children can be protected, supported, and given the opportunity to heal and grow.