Overbearing: When Parents Control Teen Relationships
“However, we must have a chance to grow on our own. No matter how scary that is, you must give the space so we are able to build connections and learn our identity.”
Restrictions! Bans! Forbidden!
These are the words that echo in relationships that are controlled by parents—both romantic and platonic relationships. For students, I will assume all of us are living under a household not owned by yourself. This would be our parents or whoever your care taker may be. So as long as that is the case, you may not be in control of your own relationship. This is an unfortunate scenario for many students our age, what is supposed to be a personal choice seems to be a collective decision influenced by control and even fear. So in other words, this is a worldwide issue high school students go through…
I’ve heard this issue plenty of times from friends that weren't allowed to have a significant other. This impacts on relationships but also friends as well. Every relationship is impacted once your parents try to stop these connections. Maybe it’s because of culture, age or ptsd. But whatever the reason is, the outcome is still the same…heartbreak, anger and confusion.
Romantic relationships during highschool isn’t the most important but it is a valuable lesson. They help us practice trust, passion, self-worth, communication, and they even help us learn how to cope with heartbreak. So when these relationships are forbidden it limits our capability to learn about ourselves. Even if a parent is trying to protect their child, growing up inevitably brings heartbreak and sometimes leads to deeper heartbreak.
Friendship relationships are also similar. Throughout my life I had to cut off the longest friendships growing up because of the things they did to be judged by my parents. I didn't get the chance to make my own decision and opinions because “We are protecting you.” To me this felt as if my parent’s judgement of my character wasn’t validated. That my choices aren’t trusted.
This is also a very proximate issue to me as well, from young my parents would stop these connections with friends. Rather than the regular issue of parents telling their kids “I want you back before the street lights” or some type of stipulation that can hinder connections with people you hold significance. This affects people I know in ways that still impact them today.
My story is quite different when it comes to why I didn’t go out with my friends. My parents would talk about the terrible things happening around, not in the world but our neighborhood. How the Bronx has become ever so dangerous, especially with kids. These tales would really take a toll on me on how I viewed the neighborhood I lived in because I questioned whether or not my life was in danger everytime I would go out. This only got worse when the case of “Lesandro "Junior" Guzman-Feliz” came out. You see if you think I was shook before this had me terrified. At this point I believe isolation is best, indoors in my home is the only safe haven I have. I only realize now that I had an unstable fear of what happened out these doors. While fear that was caused to stay inside for years, throughout my own process I learned a balance. I started to become aware of how to be cautious and live in reality. I was too infatuated with the news instead of experiencing my own life.
And many parents only want to keep their kids safe. They say and do things that may seem irrational that makes you think “Damn get off my back will ya?”. However, we must empathize with our parents because most of these things are new to them and protecting their child is the main reason for this. People must not hold resentment for the behavior of parents who are overbearing on you. We understand the rules and concerns of our parents. People on this earth will do you wrong, they’ll use you if you're not careful. People got weapons and got their intentions all messed up in this world. It all comes from a place of love and/or desire to protect us from this harm.
The world is changing very quickly, quite a difference from when you were our age. Your experiences, your fears and your wisdom all influence these decisions you’ve made for us and we can appreciate this sentiment. However, we must have a chance to grow on our own. No matter how scary that is, you must give the space so we are able to build connections and learn our identity. Of course it doesn’t mean leaving us completely, but rather the step from highschool to college. Similarly to how teachers stop reaching out to you, so YOU can do your work. Now parents must take that step back, to now walk beside us, to guide us, and to listen. Give us the opportunity, the faith in what you’ve taught us to let us walk and continue to build the person you have built.